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Great Video!
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic


October 28, 2009 | 11:53 PM Comments  0 comments

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The Male Privilege Checklist
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

An Unabashed Imitation of an article by Peggy McIntosh

In 1990, Wellesley College professor Peggy McIntosh wrote an essay called “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack”. McIntosh observes that whites in the U.S. are “taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group.” To illustrate these invisible systems, McIntosh wrote a list of 26 invisible privileges whites benefit from.

As McIntosh points out, men also tend to be unaware of their own privileges as men. In the spirit of McIntosh’s essay, I thought I’d compile a list similar to McIntosh’s, focusing on the invisible privileges benefiting men.

Due to my own limitations, this list is unavoidably U.S. centric. I hope that writers from other cultures will create new lists, or modify this one, to reflect their own experiences.

Since I first compiled it, the list has been posted many times on internet discussion groups. Very helpfully, many people have suggested additions to the checklist. More commonly, of course, critics (usually, but not exclusively, male) have pointed out men have disadvantages too - being drafted into the army, being expected to suppress emotions, and so on. These are indeed bad things - but I never claimed that life for men is all ice cream sundaes.

Obviously, there are individual exceptions to most problems discussed on the list. The existence of individual exceptions does not mean that general problems are not a concern.

Pointing out that men are privileged in no way denies that bad things happen to men. Being privileged does not mean men are given everything in life for free; being privileged does not mean that men do not work hard, do not suffer. In many cases - from a boy being bullied in school, to a soldier dying in war - the sexist society that maintains male privilege also does great harm to boys and men.

In the end, however, it is men and not women who make the most money; men and not women who dominate the government and the corporate boards; men and not women who dominate virtually all of the most powerful positions of society. And it is women and not men who suffer the most from intimate violence and rape; who are the most likely to be poor; who are, on the whole, given the short end of patriarchy’s stick.

Several critics have also argued that the list somehow victimizes women. I disagree; pointing out problems is not the same as perpetuating them. It is not a “victimizing” position to acknowledge that injustice exists; on the contrary, without that acknowledgment it isn’t possible to fight injustice.

An internet acquaintance of mine once wrote, “The first big privilege which whites, males, people in upper economic classes, the able bodied, the straight (I think one or two of those will cover most of us) can work to alleviate is the privilege to be oblivious to privilege.” This checklist is, I hope, a step towards helping men to give up the “first big privilege.”

The Male Privilege Checklist

1. My odds of being hired for a job, when competing against female applicants, are probably skewed in my favor. The more prestigious the job, the larger the odds are skewed.

2. I can be confident that my co-workers won’t think I got my job because of my sex - even though that might be true. (More).

3. If I am never promoted, it’s not because of my sex.

4. If I fail in my job or career, I can feel sure this won’t be seen as a black mark against my entire sex’s capabilities.

5. I am far less likely to face sexual harassment at work than my female co-workers are. (More).

6. If I do the same task as a woman, and if the measurement is at all subjective, chances are people will think I did a better job.

7. If I’m a teen or adult, and if I can stay out of prison, my odds of being raped are relatively low. (More).

8. On average, I am taught to fear walking alone after dark in average public spaces much less than my female counterparts are.

9. If I choose not to have children, my masculinity will not be called into question.

10. If I have children but do not provide primary care for them, my masculinity will not be called into question.

11. If I have children and provide primary care for them, I’ll be praised for extraordinary parenting if I’m even marginally competent. (More).

12. If I have children and a career, no one will think I’m selfish for not staying at home.

13. If I seek political office, my relationship with my children, or who I hire to take care of them, will probably not be scrutinized by the press.

14. My elected representatives are mostly people of my own sex. The more prestigious and powerful the elected position, the more this is true.

15. When I ask to see “the person in charge,” odds are I will face a person of my own sex. The higher-up in the organization the person is, the surer I can be.

16. As a child, chances are I was encouraged to be more active and outgoing than my sisters. (More).

17. As a child, I could choose from an almost infinite variety of children’s media featuring positive, active, non-stereotyped heroes of my own sex. I never had to look for it; male protagonists were (and are) the default.

18. As a child, chances are I got more teacher attention than girls who raised their hands just as often. (More).

19. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether or not it has sexist overtones.

20. I can turn on the television or glance at the front page of the newspaper and see people of my own sex widely represented, every day, without exception.

21. If I’m careless with my financial affairs it won’t be attributed to my sex.

22. If I’m careless with my driving it won’t be attributed to my sex.

23. I can speak in public to a large group without putting my sex on trial.

24. Even if I sleep with a lot of women, there is no chance that I will be seriously labeled a “slut,” nor is there any male counterpart to “slut-bashing.” (More).

25. I do not have to worry about the message my wardrobe sends about my sexual availability or my gender conformity. (More).

26. My clothing is typically less expensive and better-constructed than women’s clothing for the same social status. While I have fewer options, my clothes will probably fit better than a woman’s without tailoring. (More).

27. The grooming regimen expected of me is relatively cheap and consumes little time. (More).

28. If I buy a new car, chances are I’ll be offered a better price than a woman buying the same car. (More).

29. If I’m not conventionally attractive, the disadvantages are relatively small and easy to ignore.

30. I can be loud with no fear of being called a shrew. I can be aggressive with no fear of being called a bitch.

31. I can ask for legal protection from violence that happens mostly to men without being seen as a selfish special interest, since that kind of violence is called “crime” and is a general social concern. (Violence that happens mostly to women is usually called “domestic violence” or “acquaintance rape,” and is seen as a special interest issue.)

32. I can be confident that the ordinary language of day-to-day existence will always include my sex. “All men are created equal,” mailman, chairman, freshman, he.

33. My ability to make important decisions and my capability in general will never be questioned depending on what time of the month it is.

34. I will never be expected to change my name upon marriage or questioned if I don’t change my name.

35. The decision to hire me will never be based on assumptions about whether or not I might choose to have a family sometime soon.

36. Every major religion in the world is led primarily by people of my own sex. Even God, in most major religions, is pictured as male.

37. Most major religions argue that I should be the head of my household, while my wife and children should be subservient to me.

38. If I have a wife or live-in girlfriend, chances are we’ll divide up household chores so that she does most of the labor, and in particular the most repetitive and unrewarding tasks. (More).

39. If I have children with a wife or girlfriend, chances are she’ll do most of the childrearing, and in particular the most dirty, repetitive and unrewarding parts of childrearing.

40. If I have children with a wife or girlfriend, and it turns out that one of us needs to make career sacrifices to raise the kids, chances are we’ll both assume the career sacrificed should be hers.

41. Magazines, billboards, television, movies, pornography, and virtually all of media is filled with images of scantily-clad women intended to appeal to me sexually. Such images of men exist, but are rarer.

42. In general, I am under much less pressure to be thin than my female counterparts are. (More). If I am fat, I probably suffer fewer social and economic consequences for being fat than fat women do. (More).

43. If I am heterosexual, it’s incredibly unlikely that I’ll ever be beaten up by a spouse or lover. (More).

44. Complete strangers generally do not walk up to me on the street and tell me to “smile.” (More: 1 2).

45. On average, I am not interrupted by women as often as women are interrupted by men.

46. I have the privilege of being unaware of my male privilege.

(Compiled by Barry Deutsch, aka “Ampersand.”)

October 20, 2009 | 9:22 PM Comments  1 comments

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My Life According to Tegan and Sara

Rules: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.

Pick your Artist? Tegan and Sara

Are you a male or female? City Girl

Describe yourself? Paperback Head

How do you feel? Emaculate

Describe where you currently live? Just Me

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Take Me Anywhere

Your favorite form of transportation? Hop a Plane

Your best friend is? Left me to Wonder

What's the weather like? Terrible Storm

Favorite time of day? Night Watch

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called? Dancing in the Dark

What is life to you? Beauty

Your fear? Empty in Between

What is the best advice you have to give? Don't be Cruel

Thought for the Day? Don't Rush

How would you like to die? Proud

My soul's current condition? Hype

My motto:

had a bad day as bad as they come
time to get a real job you gotta stop having fun
so I got a real job I'm working nine to nine
I'm making five bucks an hour 'til the day I die
got a straw inside of me and it's filled just fine
got a straw inside of me with the strongest wine
I'm one third passion I'm two thirds pride
said I used to have a life once
he said I used to like your smile once
singing silence to the world
but the stars kept marching
he said silence to everyone I said I'm still talking
have you got some more deep inside of you
I'll always have more for me
I take a little more for me baby
I got a picture of the way the world has summed me up
if I could have one wish I sure wish that
I had never grown up
I got a picture of the way I looked when I was three
I came out laughing screaming dancing
I used to be free spirited
now I'm just free of sleep
I got a burning passion in my throat
I got a burning passion inside me
and all the things I wanted
yes all the things I want
go on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on
well I go on
silence to the world but the stars keep marching
silence to everyone but I kept talking
have you got some more deep inside of you
yes I'll always have more more me
he says all the things I want they go
so I, I take a little more for me

October 20, 2009 | 9:10 AM Comments  0 comments

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Sometimes I wish I had written this song
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Tracy Chapman -- Talkin' Bout a Revolution

Don't you know you're talking about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
Don't you know they're talking about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper

While they're standing in the welfare lines
Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of salvation
Wasting time in unemployment lines
Sitting around waiting for a promotion

Don't you know you're talking about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper

Poor people are gonna rise up
And get their share
Poor people are gonna rise up
And take what's theirs

Don't you know you better run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
Oh I said you better run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run

Finally the tables are starting to turn
Talking about a revolution
Finally the tables are starting to turn
Talking about a revolution oh no
Talking about a revolution oh no

While they're standing in the welfare lines
Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of salvation
Wasting time in unemployment lines
Sitting around waiting for a promotion

Don't you know you're talking about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper

And finally the tables are starting to turn
Talking about a revolution
Finally the tables are starting to turn
Talking about a revolution oh no
Talking about a revolution oh no
Talking about a revolution oh no

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKYWOwWAguk&feature=PlayList&p=FF3C37D14336BA7D&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=26

October 7, 2009 | 11:27 PM Comments  2 comments

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Summer Lovin'

I met my boyfriend this year at school but the year is drawing to a close and we live in different provinces and he’s going home for the summer. We want to stay together but I know that long-distance relationships don’t last. We talked about having an open relationship for the summer but that seems like it probably won’t work either. I just don’t know if we’ll be able to wait four months to have sex again. What do you recommend?

I think I read somewhere that sexual activity peaks during exam seasons. So on the plus side; it looks like you’re in for a good time this month. But when it comes to the summer, if you decide to stay together you might need to try some creative problem solving. I can offer two suggestions:

1) Cyber-sex and phone-sex tend to have a bad rep but some couples consider them a fun alternative to sex, even when they’re in the same city. This could be because cyber-sex and phone-sex can last longer than sex and partners tend to be more creative than they would be in person. Also, not being in the same room sometimes makes you braver and sometimes people see the kinkier side of their partners.
2) Another thing you might want to consider, and I don’t know how deep your pockets are, is teledildonics which are sex toys that can simulate the experience of intercourse. These toys come in a variety of different designs but they provide your partner the ability to control your sex toy from a different location.

When it comes to the open relationship comment, it’s hard to give an answer because the only problem that you’ve mentioned is sex. To be honest, sleeping with other people over the summer with the intention of getting back together when the school year starts seems like it might be a recipe for disaster to me. That being said, many couples have successfully done it. However, the plus side to the summer without sex is that it’s the safest sex you can have and you’ll save loads on condoms.

April 6, 2009 | 9:04 AM Comments  0 comments

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Oral Anxiety

I’ve been seeing this girl for a couple of months and we’ve had sex but she won’t let me go down on her. She says I don’t need to and that it makes her feel self-conscious. She’s cool with going down on me but she doesn’t let me return the favor. It’s not just that I like going down on girls (because I really do) but I just feel like it’s not fair to expect her to go down on me if she doesn’t want me to go down on her. I just want to know if there is some way that I can make her feel more comfortable without forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do.

This situation is tough because you really need to be careful not to cross the line and ask your girlfriend to do something that she doesn’t want to do but at the same time, so many sexual experiences can be uncomfortable at first and it’s normal to assume that with some ‘practice’ it will be pleasurable. I would say that in this situation you are working with at least 3 different barriers:

1) Smell/Taste: A lot of women are self conscious about the smell and, to a lesser extent, taste of their genitals. I mean, why wouldn’t they be? Popular culture has definitely given them a reason. The ‘fishy’ smelling vagina is the punch-line for a lot of movies targeted to high school/college students. A healthy vulva will have a natural musky smell and every woman comes with unique ‘flavour’ and a lot of women don’t know that.
2) Appearance: Vulvas come in a variety of designs and colors; they’re a lot like Volvos in that way. Despite this, there is a general consensus about what a ‘normal vulva’ should look like; this includes minimal labia and symmetry. That being said, very few women actually meet the criteria for having a ‘normal vulva’.
3) Hair: It’s really not as simple as shaving it off if you’re uncomfortable with it. Hair is typically associated with masculine imagery and a lot of women are unsure about how they feel about their hair and what to do with it.

I think your best approach is to keep these things in mind and to talk to your girlfriend about what the root of the problem is. If she’s the type of person who shies away from these types of topics, I would encourage you to make the conversation more about you. Talk about why you want to go down on her and maybe address a couple of the points that I’ve mentioned (but keep in mind that they might not be the reason that she doesn’t want to do it). The way that you phrase your reasons is also important (ie. ‘I like the taste/smell, etc.’ is a lot more validating than ‘I don’t mind the taste/smell, etc.’). Also, if it turns out that she has insecurities about her smell or taste, try using a dental dam (it’s pretty much a condom sheet). They tend to be flavoured and it will provide a barrier between your mouth and her vulva which might make her more comfortable (and it will also protect you from STIs). Keep in mind that she might just not be into it and if that’s the case, you should respect her boundaries. But I think that talking about it will be a step in the right direction.

April 6, 2009 | 9:04 AM Comments  0 comments

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The Spot

I have been sexually active for about two years now and I’m pretty sure I’ve had an orgasm. Well, I’ve had a clitoral orgasm but to be totally honest I can’t find my g-spot. My friend said g-spot orgasms are mind-blowing and that my g-spot shouldn’t be that hard to find. She tried to explain it to me but I couldn’t feel anything. I am really curious! Is there anything you can tell me?

Finding your G-spot is kind of like driving downtown, you have to know where you’re going or you’ll get lost. The best thing to do is probably look up a diagram but I can try to give you a little road map. The G-spot is located approximately 2-3 inches inside the vagina towards the front and has a ridged texture. “The erectile tissue that makes up the G-spot is actually an internal part of the clitoris, part of the same network of interconnected tissue and nerve endings” (Solot & Miller, I Love Female Orgasm). If you want to visualize it, it’s basically on the opposite side of the clitoris; the clitoris is external and the G-spot is internal. Actually, a common reason that a lot of women never achieve G-spot orgasms is because they expect the sensation to be similar to a clitoral orgasm when it is actually quite different.

Aside from giving you a general location, there isn’t much more I can say to help. Orgasms in general are complex; and there’s a reason why people think that the G-spot is a myth. In some cases the G-spot is similar to the clitoris and is more sensitive when the female is aroused so it might be easier to find during sexual activity. Of course every person is different and while some people require a great deal of pressure when it comes to finding their G-spot some do not need that much pressure at all. So while the information that I can provide you is limited, there are a lot of resources on G-spot orgasms (including one’s you can access for free from the S.E.C. office) and you should take advantage of them.

April 5, 2009 | 3:04 AM Comments  0 comments

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Ambiguous Endings

I dated this guy for 3 months and I was really into him and then he broke up with me last month out of the blue. I just don’t understand why and it’s not like we only dated for a couple of weeks. We got along really well, we had a lot in common and his friends really seemed to like me. I just didn’t see it coming. I tried to get him back but he doesn’t want to get back together. I just feel like he didn’t see my ‘A-Game’! I want another chance! What should I do?

I hate to say it…but this kind of sounds like a ‘he’s just not that into you’ situation. When people find themselves at the receiving end of a break up they have a lot of the power taken away from them. It’s natural to try to take control of the situation by figuring out ways to improve the relationship or figure out things that you might have done wrong but the reality is that there isn’t anything that you could have changed. There are probably a lot of reasons that the relationship didn’t work out. It hard to speculate what those reasons are but realistically it could have been a number of things. He might not have been ready to settle down in a relationship or he might not have felt the same connection that you felt. Either way, even if he was to agree to try again, chances are that he would still feel the same way and that would eventually lead to the same result.

Relationships often seem longer when you’re in them, but from an external point of view it doesn’t seem like the relationship lasted that long. It seems like it was just long enough for both of you to decide whether or not you were compatible. It’s hard because obvious you felt like he was someone that you wanted to continue a relationship with and he didn’t feel that way. But it’s likely that he wasn’t making that decision impulsively and that’s something that you need to come to terms with.

Also, you didn’t mention much about the break-up itself but based on your question it sounds like it was kind of ambiguous. I encourage you to ask him why the relationship ended and why he didn’t want to continue. Without knowing, you’re going to continue to think that there was something that you could have changed or done to make him want to stay in a relationship with you. It’s possible that he won’t want to answer your questions but it’s natural to want to know and getting answers to some of your questions might help resolve some of the feelings that you’re experiencing. I know that you think that he didn’t see your ‘A-Game’ but the person that you were for those 3 months was probably a more accurate representation of your personality and your A-Game would be exact that, a game.

I know it’s hard to see it now but this is actually a good thing. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has doubts about you? You deserve more than that. What’s good is that now you’ve identified some characteristics that you want your partner to have. Everyone leaves each relationship with valuable lessons and now you will be able to apply them to your next relationship.

April 5, 2009 | 3:04 AM Comments  0 comments

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Scheduling Conflicts

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a long time and he’s a year older than me. Last year he graduated and he works full time now but I’m still a student. It was okay in the beginning because he was excited about his new job but now he’s gotten into this rhythm of going to bed early and I usually like to stay up really late. Because of this, we’ve been having trouble finding time to have sex. A lot of my classes are at night or in the afternoon so I’ll normally get home at about 10 pm and he’s usually ready to go to bed around that time. In the morning he sometimes wants to have sex but I’m usually too tired. I don’t know what to do; our schedules aren’t going to change! It’s really starting to stress us out. Any advice?

Because I’m not able to suspend time for you, the solution to your problem is going to have to come down to scheduling. There’s really not much you can do in this situation other than making time for each other. That being said, you can be creative about it:

1) There’s a difference between work and sex (well…for most people). Sex is something that you need to be in the mood for and it’s hard to get there if you’re concerned about scheduling it in. You need to start getting excited about having sex again. Instead of psyching yourselves out about it or worrying about when you’re going to find time to have sex you need to want to make time for it. If the only time that you two are together is when you get home from school then you should focus on that time. Try talking throughout the day on the phone or through emails about what you’re going to do when you get home. That way, the anticipation will build up throughout the day and you’ll want to have sex when you get home.

2) Also, I know that you claim that there isn’t a chance to have sex but it doesn’t sound like there are no opportunities. If he’s still awake when you get home from school, there’s an opportunity to have sex then. It seems like the problem could be that your energy levels are peaking at different times of the day. There are a lot of things that both of you could do that could boost your energy (ie. Working out, eating healthy, etc.). But another way to get your energy levels more in sync is by getting your schedules more in sync. Since his schedule is slightly less flexible it seems like you’ll need to do more of the compromising. It doesn’t need to be a permanent change but 2 or 3 times a week you could try going to bed the same time as your boyfriend and making up for the time you lose at night in the morning.

3) Lastly, and maybe I’m making an assumption here, but this seems to be a temporary situation. You didn’t have problems with your schedules when you were both in school together and chances are that when you finish school and get on a regular work schedule that you’ll both have the same rhythm. It’s important to remember that because it might decrease some of the stress that you’ve been experiencing about this issue.

It’s hard to be the one who needs to compromise especially if your schedule is the one that you both use to follow when you were both students. But as long as you are both willing to work on your sexual relationship and time is the only problem, it’s nice that you are in a position where you are able to be more flexible. It’s important to realize now that sometimes finding time to be intimate isn’t going to come easily. A lot of couples have incompatible work schedules and that tends to be a lot more permanent.

March 7, 2009 | 10:03 AM Comments  0 comments

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Boys Will Be Girls

A year ago my friend told me that he thinks he’s transgendered. Ever since, I’ve felt kind of uncomfortable around him because I don’t really understand what that means. I want to feel comfortable around him but I feel weird whenever I need to use pronouns. And I don’t really get the whole transgendered thing anyway. If he wants to be a girl why doesn’t he dress like one?

Well first off, I would probably stop calling it a 'thing'. That kind of trivializes the experience and this is probably a big deal for your friend. Also, because ‘transgendered’ is an umbrella term that includes all the different kinds of gender-identities that aren’t normative it’s hard to know what being ‘transgendered’ means to your friend without knowing him. What’s important here is that you recognize that your friend is going through a confusing stage in his life and while it’s understandable that you have pre-existing ideas about what being 'transgendered' means, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are going to apply to your friend.

When it comes to pronouns, I would ask your friend which pronouns he’d like you to use. If you don’t feel comfortable asking, I would say that the rule of thumb is to use the pronoun that fits the gender that they are presenting as (i.e. if they are dressed like a man: use 'he', 'him', etc.). His personal preference might depend on how much he disassociates with the gender assigned to him at birth (and there is a spectrum) but it could also depend on whether he wants to ‘out’ himself as someone who is transgendered. Unless he tells you otherwise, I wouldn’t start referring to him as a ‘her’ without some kind of permission. It’s possible that you are one of the few people he currently feels comfortable telling and using the opposite pronouns might force him to reveal his gender identity to people he isn’t comfortable doing so with. Being transgendered doesn’t automatically lead to a sex change. Sometimes people just want to explore their gender-identity and decide not to pursue any changes.

I think it’s great that you are thinking about this stuff and that you’re being honest about the way that you feel but it seems like you’re getting bogged down with the details. It’s important to recognize that this change in your relationship is hard for your friend as well, and your acceptance probably means a lot to him. Remember that, and just be open about your concerns and questions. Your friend will probably appreciate the thought behind it more than the embarrassment of having you ask. Try to put yourself in your friend's position, though, it is possible that he will not even have all of the answers himself. Don't worry and over think this too much, or you risk making it about you and not your friend, which is really not fair to either of you.

March 7, 2009 | 1:03 AM Comments  2 comments

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